Kathy Freston, author I’ve never heard of, was on Oprah’s show today about reinvention. Amazon tells me she wrote the following:

• Quantum Wellness: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Health and Happiness
• The One: Finding Soulmate Love and Making It Last
• Expect a Miracle: 7 Spiritual Steps to Finding the Right Relationship

Oprah introduced her as a “spiritual coach.” Freston herself talked about her past career as a model, during which she experienced the usual hypercritical assessments of her looks, self-destructive behavior, and a series of toxic relationships. Only when she turned to a spiritual education approach did things start to turn around for her, she said.

Freston indicated there are eight “pillars” to her inner and outer reinvention:

1. Meditation. Let go of the ego stuff and get back to center.
2. Conscious eating. You stay aware of where your food comes from — how it impacts the environment, how the animals were treated. She’s a vegan (no chicken, steak, fish, eggs, cheese, butter).Oprah joked that even she was thinking about it — just thinking about it. Intriguingly, this one was presented as the “the mother of them all.” It’s about spiritual integrity.

   Now, I don’t agree that spiritual integrity requires vegetarianism, though I too am interested in becoming less dependent on meat. There’s just no way I’m giving up a lamb chop or a kick-ass omelet. Sorry. Ain’t happening.

3. Visualization. Now this one, I believe in fully. How on earth can you achieve something, or make any change, if you can’t SEE yourself doing it? It’s just the fastest, most powerful “trick” for making a lasting, real change in your life that I know of. I highly recommend learning it, and practicing it.
   One simple exercise to get started with it: try to visualize a piece of fruit, like an orange — something mouth-watering. Visualize it as if it were on a table; in your hand; and then, hardest of all, in extreme upclose detail, as if you were a microscopic organism entering through the skin of the orange. See the peel, the zest, the fruit flesh from the perspective of that tiny organism. Because it’s out of our range of experience, it’s most helpful for developing true skill at visualization. I will definitely write on that more later.
4. Self-work. Read constantly. Go inside, learn where you’re stuck, and choose a book that will help you push through those boundaries.
5. Service. Service towards others gets you out of yourself and helps broaden your focus. It also makes you feel better about yourself, which is always a good thing.
6. Having fun, at least once a day. Painting a picture, dancing around the house, whatever.
7. Exercise - at least 30 minutes a day, 3-6 times a week. OK, OK, I get it.
8. Spiritual practice Whatever that might be for you — church or temple, or less organized practices. Even if it is organized religion, I think you should develop a home-based practice, too — how about a daily devotional or prayer time?

The whole concept of the 21-day cleanse is interesting — it’s not a fast, which I don’t believe in. She calls it a gentler approach — just letting up a little on a few things that make your body less than perfectly healthful. But those few things are actually a lot of things: caffeine, alcohol, sugar, animal products, gluten (what the heck? If you’re not allergic or sensitive, why would gluten be a problem?).

For more info on the cleanse, you can visit Oprah’s website. She’s even blogging about her own experience with the cleanse.

So, has anyone else read this month’s issue of … oh, crap. I don’t know what magazine it is! Allure, I think. Anyway, there’s this piece in it where they talk to a bunch of medical researchers and exercise pros.

And more than one of them agree: exercise isn’t going to do much to help you lose weight.

Seriously?!

I mean — what the hell have I been doing all this time!?

And — do you comprehend what this means for me?! (Not to mention all the thousands of others out there with pain conditions who can’t exercise strenuously but need to lose weight.)

OK, obviously, there are other reasons to exercise but right now, it looks like my original plan of daily walks and yoga sessions was the best one after all.

The difference: I really have to cut down on what I eat.

Y’know, that, I think I can live with.

We were playing around with the digital cameras last night. I got snapped — well, let’s just say it wasn’t a pretty picture.

Bloated. Tired expression. Thin hair pulled back into a too-tight ponytail giving me this pinched, angry look. And the roundness in the face, the double chin, the …

Yeah. I’m done.

It’s been a week. One week of half-a-mile walking. I can’t even make it a mile. I give up as soon as it gets uncomfortable.

But this image problem isn’t going away in half a mile a day and a few gentle yoga poses. It ain’t going to fix itself unless I get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

So. New plan: a self-induced boot camp.

The folks at Biggest Loser do this, right? Several workouts a day? I don’t have time for four hours of this nonsense, but I do have time for a more focused approach.

I went through my DVDs. I’ve got quite a few. Turbo Body Jam. Yoga Booty Ballet. The New York City Ballet workout. Several yoga DVDs. The Budokan workout. A Pilates DVD.

Sad, isn’t it?

OK, so what do I know?

• I can’t just start out with two workouts a day. Not at full speed anyway.
• I do need to push myself more than I am, though.
• I do have a back problem to look out for, as well as hypertension. I’m also obese.

I need, therefore, to focus first on core stabilization, on getting used to exercising, on building stamina and aerobic fitness. Pilates speaks to the first; any of them will work for the second; something aerobic for the third.

I still think walking is the best idea for aerobic work. It’s recommended most often for folks with orthopedic issues and with obesity.

So, tomorrow (no rest, no delay, no time to question myself and talk myself out of it this time) I’m starting a new regimen:

1. AM: Pilates and yoga for an hour
2. AM or PM: 30 minutes of walking fast
3. Midday: alternate one of the workouts (NYC Ballet, Yoga Booty, & TurboJam)

Yi. Kes.

I chickened out. And I’ve been afraid to even admit it, so I stayed away from this blog all week.

The truth is, my life is so up and down — such a freaky roller-coaster ride — that sometimes I get consumed with pure survival issues. Putting food on the table, keeping the lights on. That kind of thing.

It’s been that kind of week. The good news is, it’s over, and things will be MUCH better next week.

But that’s an excuse, and that’s the truth. I let my stress give me a free pass from starting my program this week. I made that choice.

And if I keep making those choices, I’m not going to reinvent anything.

So, I’m taking this weekend to get myself straightened out. I’m going to clean the house as much as possible — scrubbing, Pine-Sol, bleach in the sinks kind of cleaning. Physical labor as meditation. And while I’m doing that, I’m going to seriously question my priorities.

Is this something I really, really, really want to do? Or am I doing it because I think I should?

Is my motivation pure?

Is my approach sound? Maybe I do need to rethink that whole “everything at once” approach.

So I talked about the physical plans that will start tomorrow (recap: yoga, walking, food diary, multivitamin, low-on-the-food-chain and cut back on the sugar).

Now it’s time to map out the rest. This one will be a little more list-like and less “talky” than the last one.

Love Life

• Continue to come to terms with what kind of relationship and what kind of guy I’m looking for.
• Also continue working on self-acceptance and body image issues.

Work Life

• Do a “brain dump” for all the stuff that’s outstanding.
• Get clear on goals for each business.
• Work on getting the office organized.
• Engage in weekly planning reviews a la Getting Things Done.
• Develop a new set of beliefs and work on adopting those to conquer procrastination and indecision issues.

The Home

• Do a walk-through and create a massive punch list of everything that needs doing.
• Create a list of “daily minimums” — things I have to do no matter what, the bare minimum.
• Add 15 minutes of straightening every night.
• Make sure as much as possible gets delegated to offspring.
• Create notes for eventual ultimate organization project.

Money Makeover

• Use Law of Attraction concepts to increase income.
• Work on beliefs about money and create new, more positive ones.
• Create budget.
• Figure out how much money it would take to make me feel secure.
• Work on feeling secure anyway, using meditation and belief/thought techniques.
• Keep track of all expenditures.
• Make a lesson plan to fill the gaps in my financial knowledge, then fill them.

Art & Learning

• Carve out 30 minute spaces at least three times each week to paint.
• Do same for music practice.
• Make list of everything I want to study or learn, and keep it somewhere safe, permanent.
• Come up with a “syllabus” or plan to work on at least one subject on the list at all times.
• Find free resources on web (or in library) to use for learning projects.
• Find music teacher and find out how much lessons cost.
• Plan to take lessons by end of year.
• Work on changing belief that this is a silly thing to put on the list because it totally is NOT and I am completely deserving of pursuing these goals.

Relating

• Take stock of each current relationship.
• Focus on improving parental/child relationships first.
• List everything I’m looking for in friendships.
• Post mortem the last 2 that went so horribly awry, for very different reasons (having not much to do with me, but there are lessons there regardless).
• Use LoA principles and tools.
• Brainstorm places that people I’m looking for would congregate.

OK. Now THAT’S a plan.

Thinking about this as a whole is getting a bit overwhelming. I love plans, don’t get me wrong — I’d have been an awesome air traffic controller, or war strategist.

But this is SO big, SO pervasive and SO far-reaching that I’m having difficulties just keeping it all on the same mental page, so to speak.

So, now that I’ve painted the ugly picture of where I am, and ‘fessed up to where I want to be, I’ve got to take the plunge and figure out how to get from A to B. It would also be wise to think a bit about priorities, even though I’ve (foolishly? perhaps) committed myself publicly to undertaking all these projects at roughly the same time.

There are too many aspects to this to do at once in one post so I’m focusing on just the physical stuff here, and maybe I can combine a few of the remaining ambitions in subsequent parts.

First up: Image — by which I mean, of course, everything you see, the physical body of Lakshmi, the Goddess in Progress.

What Needs Reinventing

What’s in need of reinventing:

• weight
• fitness
• back pain and hip pain/leg numbness (I suspect both of these are linked to the back pain)
• skin
• thin patches of hair
• high blood pressure & (related) headaches
• weak nails
• style: wardrobe, the amount of care I take with myself, the way I put myself together, or don’t

Interestingly, I am beginning to see that all of these things will be impacted positively by the same approach. What that approach needs to include: exercise; better sleep hygiene and practice; better nutrition; regular meditation; yoga. That will take care of just about everything except the last item — style. (For that, I think I need a fashion intervention. Anybody know Stacy and Clinton’s phone number?) It might not be all that’s required to fix the hair, skin, and nails issues, but I suspect it will go a long way towards improvement, especially the nutritional overhaul.

Counter Considerations

There’s always a “yeah but” right? Here’s mine:

Yeah, but I need to be careful here. I have chronic health conditions that are negatively impacted by certain levels of physical exertion (the back pain, and CFIDS). I also need to be careful due to the hypertension.

I’ve chatted with my doc about this, and there is hope. It lies in a carefully implemented plan of “up titrating” my exercise dosage, just like they do with medications.

The Plan

It has six separate steps.

1. Exercise: I’m going to start with morning yoga, every morning — a half hour program based on a special DVD I found just for folks with scoliosis. Then every evening, I’ll walk for 15 minutes at first, working up in small doses to 45 minutes at a 5-minute-a-week increase.
2. Nutrition: I’m not using the “D-word.” I’m almost certainly eating too many calories, but at least initially, I’m not going to attempt to reduce my caloric intake. I’m just going to do two things: (1) log everything I eat, so I can really get a good sense of what I eat in a day — I really don’t think I know, frankly, and I’m a little nervous at finding that out, but goddesses are brave, so I’ll be brave, too; and (2) eat as low on the food chain as I can (that means favoring whole foods, fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean meats and fish over prepared and packaged foods). I am also going to try cutting out the sugar, or cutting down on it, anyway. I’m not much of a sweets-freak, but it certainly won’t hurt, and it might help.
3. Meditation: Every day, half an hour. Without fail.
4. Visualization: At the end of the half-hour meditation, I’m going to add 5-10 minutes of visualizing my ambition realized — seeing in my mind, as if staring in a mirror, my leaner and fitter body, clothed in stylish and tailored attire with really pretty shoes. I’m thinking Louboutins.
5. Vitamins: I’m not going crazy on the supplementation, because frankly, I’ve tried it before with the CFIDS and it never really made me feel any different. But I do think a good multi and maybe some extra calcium are good things to do on a regular basis, given my age and the threat of osteoporosis.
6. Sleep: I’m going to do all I can to make my sleep deeper and better. I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately, and this has got to stop. I’m going to do all the usually advised things like blackout shades, keeping the room cool, going to bed and getting up at the same time every day, not doing anything in the bedroom except sleeping (and sex, they say, but since that ain’t happening… sigh).

I’m also going to use this HairMax laser comb someone bought me for Christmas last year (don’t worry, I’d actually asked for it — and then promptly never used it).

To keep me on track and motivated, I’m going to do something rather appalling. I’m gonna post my updates in the form of a log on this site. I won’t post all the things I eat, ’cause that would be weird and boring as hell. But I’ll figure out some relatively easy way to keep a log of exercise and the other steps listed above and make it all public. (The experts say that public commitment and accountability raise the chances for success for any self-improvement project. Which, if you think about it, is sort of the whole idea behind this blog.)

As for the style portion of the vision, well — I can’t do anything about this one yet, in terms of reinvention. All I can do is plan for the ultimate reinvention by:

• Research — I know there are books and magazines out there that teach what styles look best on which body types. Of course, until the body type evolves, it’s hard to know what that’s going to be after the weight loss. But at least I can do some basic research.
• Work with colors — figure out which look best on me.
• Make more effort with what I’ve got, in the interim.

That last one is going to require taking inventory and cleaning out the closet of everything that currently doesn’t fit. (Although I’m going to break with traditional wisdom in one sense: I am so NOT going to get rid of clothes that are too small for me. I totally intend to wear those jeans again. SOON.)

So - that’s it. My grand plan for reinventing my body and image. It starts on Monday, the 28th.

Can you believe I’m excited? I am!

The Story So Far

So, back on this page, I revealed the scary, ugly truth about just how much my life sucks right now. You know what they say: admitting you have a (whole boatload of) problem(s) is half the battle.

Now what the heck do I do? I’ve never been one for flying intuitively — and in fact learning how to distance myself from my “need to control” at all times is really one of my biggest life challenges, I think, at least this go-round on earth. But the truth is this: I’ve always responded much better to well-thought-out, mapped-out, diagrammed-and-drawn plans.

No reason to stop now, right? Plus, I think it holds me more accountable. If I say I’m going to do “x” thing by “y” date, then by Goddess, I’d better do it, else the general public can rightly hold me up to ridicule and scorn. Not that I’m into that kind of thing, mind you. But a little threat of a wee bit of public humiliation can be a powerful motivator.

So, where to begin? If we start with my premise that there’s no reason to focus on “only one thing” — that sometimes wholesale change is easier, and further that this is one of those times — then we need a comprehensive approach. But before I can figure out how to get “there” — I have to figure out where “there” is. We know where “here” is already — that’s the first post.

Where, exactly, am I trying to go? That’s the question for this post. The battle plans complete with mindmaps and lists and to-dos — that comes in the next post.

Setting Ambitions

I like that word — “ambitions.” I like it much better than the word “goals.” Goals sounds so business-like — reminds me waaaay too much of my former life as a corporate cubicle-head and my yearly evaluation, complete with its “objective benchmarks” and “self-analysis” bullshit.

I don’t have goals. I have ambitions. And they are large, and they are many.

For My Physical Being (The Divine Image)

Too much to synthesize, so let’s just copy and paste what I wrote in that first post:

Fifty-eight pounds over the outer edge of my healthy weight zone (which is 138-165, if you’re wondering — do the math and you’ll realize I weigh 223)

Hypertension

Chronic headaches (perhaps related to hypertension)

Chronic back pain and occasional sciatica, related to compressed and ruptured disks and an untreated case of scoliosis in childhood

Thinning hair

Somewhat dull and less than smoothly-textured skin; also some age spots on forehead and cheek

Weak nails that almost always end up split and torn

Endometriosis

Complete devolution of fashion and style into elastic-waisted yoga pants and tees with slip-on athletic mules

There’s at least one thing in that list I can’t do anything about — the endometriosis. But there’s also a lot of stuff that can all be remedied with the same actions (weight, blood pressure, general feeling of ickiness).

The vision I have for myself in regards to my body is this: I weigh 150 or so, and I get there is a healthy and easy way, without deprivation or diets or pills. I move easily in my skin, and I generally feel great, without medication. My resting BP is, on average, somewhere around 114 over 98 — again, without medication. I eat good foods, healthfully prepared, but only as much as I need to fuel my body efficiently. I am active and in good physical condition. I can run a mile without getting overwinded; I can also do Chautauranga and a perfect headstand in yoga class. My hair is thick(er), my skin clear. I sleep deeply without waking during the night for at least 7 hours straight. I have a wardrobe filled with clothes that fit me perfectly, that complement my coloring and suit my lifestyle, and are consistent with the image I have of myself as a professional writer, an artistic person who is also a savvy business owner.

My Love Life (Eros ‘n Aphrodite)

I said it was nonexistent, but that I was beginning to think critically about what I wanted in a man. About all I can say here for this area of my life, then, is: I know what and who I want, and I believe with all my heart both that I deserve to have that person in my life, and that it will happen.

I don’t think I can say more right now — I just don’t know enough yet about what the vision looks like to describe it here. So that’s my ambition: to know what that vision looks like. Then it will become: to achieve that vision.

At Work (Goddess’s Work Is Never Done)

I wrote that I felt overworked and out of control, at least with respect to one of my gigs, and that I needed a lot more freelancing clients.

Here’s my vision for my ideal work life: I work from home, in a beautiful, clean, organized office in which I can always quickly put my hands on whatever I need. All my office/business systems are set up and organized perfectly, and I am on top of all administrative tasks, including financial ones. Every obligation is met; every deadline is beaten by at least 24 hours; nothing is left to the last minute but every to-do is tackled promptly. I say “no” when I can’t meet a demand; if I say “yes,” it’s as good as done and I NEVER procrastinate so much that a deadline is in jeopardy. My reputation among clients and potential clients is one of excellence and dependability. I charge a high but fair price for my services, because I deliver that much in value to my clients. My work satisfies and challenges me, but it leaves me with plenty of time to live my life and enjoy my daughter’s childhood. I work no more than 35 hours a week, total, leaving plenty of time for my writing and other artistic and social pursuits.

The House (Temple)

The Shack is what it is. There’s too little I can do anything about with respect to the Shack’s nature. Its condition, however, is another story.

My vision for the Temple: I live in a large, clean, light, airy place. It has three bedrooms and a large office; a spa-like master bathroom; furniture of my choosing (instead of that which I inherited by default from others); and art. Oh, and painted walls. I’m sick of white.

Now, this is the difficult part. This place I have in my head clearly isn’t the Shack. It’s a house — a real one, and that means buying it. And that, given the Offerings shortage, is clearly outside my reach right at present.

So, while I’m here, then, the vision is this: I live in a clean, well-maintained place, clutter-free and organized.

It wouldn’t seem that this is such a big stretch for me, would it? Yet if we’re measuring degrees of resistance — which I must — then this is right up there with losing weight for me. Because it’s taking me a really, really long time to work up the nerve to do something about either one.

No more, though; we’re done with the self-recriminations and fear-based decision making. We’re moving on to a life of action and divine creation. We are IN PROGRESS, after all, which necessitates some kind of movement, right?

Money (The Offerings)

Ugh. That reaction, by the way, tells you straightaway the essential problem I face in this area: I am not comfortable with the whole concept of money.

My ambition for the offerings: I make at least $10,000 a month. I pay all my debts in full every month, and my credit score is over 800. I have some investments that I made (and which I monitor) myself. Lakshmette has a well-supplied college fund, and I have a fully-funded IRA. I am unafraid of money, and I manage it wisely.

A note about that: yes, I know that the monthly amount is a good bit more than I make currently (that would be the understatement of the year). It is possible. It is not likely. But about this, I am certain: here, above all, I need to aim high and if I miss, at least I’ll still be making more than I am now.

The Rest (Relating, Omniscience, Art, and the World)

As for the rest — relationships, intellectual pursuits, artistic activities, and the whole “making the world a better place” thing — I’m determined to make these things a way of life.

I see myself engaged in whatever I’m doing at the moment, safely grounded in beginner’s mind, relating to others, with at least a few good friends in the vicinity. I have coffee, or lunch, with one of those friends or more at least a few times a month. (Baby steps.)  I paint regularly, take violin lessons (and practice regularly, at least three times a week), and write creatively for my own projects daily — I make the time to do these things because they’re important to my peace of mind and sense of fulfillment.

The Vision In A Nutshell

I don’t see myself being a different person — so in that sense, maybe this blog’s tag about “reinvention” isn’t technically accurate. I see myself like a lump of clay in the process of becoming a sculpture of some sort. The clay that doesn’t belong comes off. It’s not a question of adding new things — it’s a question of becoming more the person I really believe I am at my core.

But in another sense, the person that evolves from these visions isn’t the person I am now, and so that is truly reinvention. I have to believe this is possible, but I feel a little under the gun, to tell the truth — the clock’s ticking on my life (as it is for all of us), so I’m not gonna waste any more time.

These are the pieces of my vision for my life, Act II, and I’m now going to go forth and invent that woman who strolls through those images.

I was flipping channels idly this afternoon when I caught the last 20 minutes or so of today’s Oprah show. It featured Marcus Buckingham, a career coach and writer who’s all about bringing the happy to the workplace.

He bases his advice on what’s called “strengths training” — but having seen a few minutes of his sessions with some of the participants he worked with for the show, I think it’s more like “joy training” because the first thing he asks is “what do you love?” Then — “what do you loathe?” I think it’s a lot more useful than the “what pays better?” approach from the blogger I wrote about in this post.

I am really quite excited by this newfound embrace of online content delivery that Oprah’s web team has got going on these days. First, the Eckhart Tolle/New Earth class, now Marcus brings you an 8-session coaching workshop. Cost for each: absolutely free.

I’m going to be following along with this workshop and I’ll blog about it as I go. The first assignment: print out the syllabus and start writing down my “loves and loathes.” If you’d like to play with me, check it out at the link above! You don’t have to join to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and download the PDFs you’ll need, but you do need to sign up for a (free) Oprah.com account to do the whole online workbook thing.

Should be fun!

How Lakshmi Plans To Reinvent Herself and Her Life

Having made plain my intent to drive myself batty (or battier) by tackling every major self-improvement project on my list at once all in the name of reinvention, I shall now lay the foundation of my future public humiliation by announcing to one and all exactly how much my life currently sucks, and what I intend to do about it.

Warning: this is going to be one long mother of a post.

Analysis, or Where I Am Presently

Using the categories I wrote about here as a guide, I developed a somewhat comprehensive snapshot of what my life is currently like. I’m warning you, it ain’t pretty … But it is what it is, and if I want to make it better, I have to accept where I am now as the sum result of my prior efforts, such as they were.

So in the interest of being brave and acknowledging my reality as it currently stands, here it is, laid out in glorious and sordidly categorized (if meticulously alphabetized, thank you WordPress) detail: my life, as I know it.

Divine Image

My body has always been a source of constant disappointment to me. I’ve struggled all my life with its build and “type.” Tall, neither model thin nor obese, curvy but not “big-boned” — it was like nature was mocking me with potential destined to remain unrealized.

Then, my health problems developed, which led to complications, which led to more weight gain. Suddenly I was obese for the first time in my life at the age of — well, somewhere in my 30s, we’ll say.

This one’s the easiest to catalog because it’s right there, all the time, staring me in the mirror. Also, I’m proud to say that I’ve finally started becoming more body-conscious (in the good, positive sense, meaning I’m aware of what’s going on inside me). So, the state of the Divine Image is thus:

• Fifty-eight pounds over the outer edge of my healthy weight zone (which is 138-165, if you’re wondering — do the math and you’ll realize I weigh 223)
• Hypertension
• Chronic headaches (perhaps related to hypertension)
• Chronic back pain and occasional sciatica, related to compressed and ruptured disks and an untreated case of scoliosis in childhood
• Thinning hair
• Somewhat dull and less than smoothly-textured skin; also some age spots on forehead and cheek
• Weak nails that almost always end up split and torn
• Endometriosis
• Complete devolution of fashion and style into elastic-waisted yoga pants and tees with slip-on athletic mules

Eros n’ Aphrodite

What sex life?

I was married. But my husband experienced an identity crisis of the most absolute kind, about which I am really reluctant to say more, at least just yet. So, we broke up, on friendly terms. Even prior to the breakup, he and I never really clicked sexually - - which I now see was directly related to this eventual crisis, but at the time, of course, I knew only that I was supremely unhappy and really felt guilty about complaining, as he was, in every other way, a superior person.

I married for all the “right” reasons, I thought. I cared about him immensely, he was a terrific man, we meshed well, we had similar tastes and belief systems … after a lifetime of grand passions that flamed out spectacularly leaving me a weeping, slightly psychotic mess, I thought “Finally! A grown-up relationship.” In retrospect, I think, I went too far and picked someone who was never going to be able to mess me up like that — because he was incapable of it, not because of his character, but because of this identity issue. He was the supreme “safe bet.”

So — the current state of my love/sex life:

• Nonexistent
• Not actively seeking at the moment, as I think I’ve far too much work to do on myself first
• But for the first time, considering deeply what I really want in this kind of relationship

Goddess’s Work Is Never Done

Are you feeling better about yourself yet? Hey, I don’t mind. If my only function right now is to make others feel better about their own lives, s’OK by me.

OK, work. I’m a writer by profession, although I’ve done other things in my life. I do have a job writing for a particular website which doesn’t pay very well at all, although it pays consistently. But I’m horribly conflicted about it — I ought to be grateful and just do the work, but it’s a very demanding position, with a lot of “stuff” to know, implement, and monitor (with many of the guidelines and standards being somewhat contradictory). I have found it overwhelming almost from the beginning. So, I resist it mightily, which just adds to the anxiety.

My freelance work isn’t going well at all. I want many more assignments than I’m getting currently, and better paying ones. And my novel — well, it’s not getting written nearly as quickly as I’d like. So:

• Time- and attention-deprived
• Overwhelmed and out of control with the website gig
• Not enough freelancing work

Interpantheon Relations

After I moved here, to be near my parents (who died recently and left me this falling-down shack on the lake, bless them), I tried very hard to make some friends to replace the ones I’d left in my old city. That was ten years back. I think I’ve made maybe two friends since, and one of those turned out to be a psychotic drug addict.

Recently, I started reaching out to old friends from college who I’d fallen out of touch with. But I really wish I had someone here, close by, a friend like the ones I used to have — the kind to whom I could confide anything, and who’d confide anything to me; the kind who’d keep me up til 4 in the morning with wild conversations and fabulous adventures. OK, I could skip the four AM adventures now that I have a child but — still. You get the point.

My Pantheon’s current status:

• Out of town friends have fallen out of contact, and we’re not as close as we used to be (with two exceptions)
• No local friends of the depth of closeness that I crave
• Beginning to rekindle old friendships albeit long-distance

Managing The Offerings

Money. Ick. I am horribly, horribly broke. I have mountains of debt. I should be filing for bankruptcy but my records are so scattered that I fear the consequences of letting court officials into them. Nothing illegal mind you — just … see, I have never been educated about money. Not in my childhood — I was just told “no” a lot and that was it — and not really as a young adult. I had to learn the hard way, and I keep struggling with it.

When I lost the last day job and couldn’t find a replacement for it immediately, things got really tight. Then the marriage fell apart, the Ex lost his job, and the second of my parents died (also broke). Not their fault, at all, and I’m not blaming my parents for my financial failings at all. But it’s a long struggle that began before I was born, and I learned what was modeled to me, which wasn’t very healthy or constructive.

The State of the Offerings:

• Over $40,000 in debt (including car, student loan, and credit cards, many of which I can’t afford to pay in any given month)
  
• Barely making ends meet with necessities (which I define as “car payment, rent, utilities, internet — which is a necessity since that’s how I do my one steady job — and food”)
• Very low credit scores

This, above all, is my biggest need. I must get the Offerings under control.

Omniscience and The Art of the Divine

Gosh, when you’re struggling for money to feed your child, indulging in hobbies and intellectual pursuits seems awfully … wanton, doesn’t it? Flip? Shallow and even, if you’re built that way (and I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not) sinful?

I do have some guilt about this, I guess.

But god(dess), there are so many things I want to learn, to know. Not just for indulgent self-interest but for my work, for my writing, for … well, OK, for self-interest, too. I never really had the opportunity growing up for a classical education, and while I did attend a liberal arts college, I was so enthralled with the theatrical offerings I didn’t really take advantage of it. College, I believe, is often wasted on the young.

My intellectual failings as a goddess:

• Well-read but in a shallow way — by which I mean, I read a lot but I don’t think I read it deeply enough for it to “stick”, nor do I read critically
  
• Not fluent in any second language

Artistically, I fare little better:

• I love to paint, but I’m undisciplined about it
• I’m trying to teach myself violin but don’t practice enough
• I harbor secret fantasies of being this amazing poet but feel this one’s out of my reach. Then again, I’ve never taken a class or tried to improve consciously

The Temple

The house … ah, the house. Well, given the lack of funds, I ought to be highly grateful — and I am — that I’ve inherited a place to stay that’s located on the edge of a lake. However, it’s not in the best neighborhood, and it’s a bit — OK, a lot — ramshackle. The Ex calls it “Appalachia” in a derogatory sense, and I have to admit it does have something of the backwoods about it. The walls are too thin, it being a 30-year-old modular creation, and — I don’t know, I just feel WAY too close to everything “out there” inside.

The biggest problem about the house right now, though, isn’t its condition structurally. It’s the condition internally. This goes back, I’m sure, to the global nuclear meltdown that was my life in the past 14 months. I just did not feel like cleaning. I stopped caring — no, not true. I didn’t stop caring. I stopped doing anything about caring.

And now that I feel like doing both — caring and doing something about it — it’s really hard to manage it all. The time constraints are one thing; the parenting demands another; the work obligations overwhelming; and even so I find myself from time to time sitting on my uncomfortable couch staring at a TV screen and not caring about what I’m watching. Not even knowing what I’m watching, half the time.

So, the current state of the Temple is this:

• Disorganized
• Cluttered
• In serious need of a good and thorough cleaning, plus more regular maintenance

The World

Were the World to ask me, “Lakshmi, what have you done for me lately?” I would be required to respond, “Ummm … gimme a minute …”

It isn’t that I don’t want to make the World a better place. Ideally, I’d like to feel confident that my life on this planet does that — my mere existence, I mean. Not that I wouldn’t be concerned about others — far from it. Instead, I mean that ideally, everything I did or said or thought would by its nature improve things.

Lofty goals, I know. I think I’m really talking here about just being the kind of person who makes others feel good about themselves, who doesn’t go out of her way to take on volunteer projects so much as she just … helps people. In short — world-betterment as a way of life, not a project.

I have to admit, though, when I contemplate living life like that, I start to sense my own limitations as a human being. I feel so utterly adrift in every other way — how can I possibly be of value to anyone else? Perhaps I do need to focus on myself a bit at first.

So, I have a vision — but not a plan — for this area of my life. Plans will have to wait. The current state of me-in-The-World:

• On hold.

Almost every personal development and self-improvement blogger, writer, and coach out there will tell you the same thing:

If you want to be successful at reinventing your world, your life, yourself - you must, must, must tackle only one goal at a time.

This - pardon me, goddesses - seems like crap to me. Although I’ll entertain the possibility that it’s just my inner Type A perfectionist goddess talking.

Here’s my reasoning: Approaching a goal list as a to-do list, or a task list, means one thing at least — it means you have limited yourself, right off the bat. Thinking of your reinvention plan as a task list means taking a mortal’s approach. Since we’re all goddesses here, we can dispense with the self-limiting talk, and embrace the truth, which is quite simply this: successful reinvention is nothing more than a series of right decisions at the right time.

Since none of us, no matter how divine we might be, can operate outside the laws of time and physics (at least not yet, though I refuse to discount the notion — think of what we could save on airfare alone), we can only live each moment as it comes - not all at once. Because we can only live one moment at a time, we can only make one decision at a time. Ergo - it doesn’t matter how many different kinds of decisions you need to make. You can only make one at a time.

Does that process with you? If I’m right, then there’s no reason you can’t decide to lose weight, improve your career, heat up your sex life, and be a better parent at the same point in your life. Because in each moment, you can only make one decision - do I eat the cookie or do I go exercise? Do I yell at my kid or keep my temper? Do I take on this project or do I skip out of here at 5 on the dot? - it doesn’t matter what the next moment’s decision will be. One thing at a time - only one thing at a time - doesn’t mean one thing at this time in your life.

All that’s true. The problem comes when you’re juggling more than one reinvention project and one of those projects conflicts with another. Say, you want to be more present with your kid. But you also want to lose weight. And kid wants to go out for ice cream. (A simplistic example, to be sure! Bear with me here.) What do you do, hot shot?

A. Decide to go out for ice cream. The kid’s more important.

B. Decide not to go out for ice cream. Without your health, you’re no good to the kid.

C. …?

Can you identify a third option? Go on - give it some thought. I’ll wait. …

It doesn’t matter what you thought of - but if you thought of a third option, any third option, then you get it, for real. One project may appear to conflict with another, but if we give it some thought - if, in short, we use our goddess-powers of creativity - we can usually come up with lots of ideas about how to advance both causes. (Go out for ice cream but suggest frozen yogurt instead? Take the kid to a park after the ice cream shop to work off some calories shooting hoops? The possibilities are endless.)

Dean Ornish, the doc/author who created and advocated for a radically different lifestyle approach to heal and head off heart disease, agrees, by the way. His plan represented massive change in the way most US citizens eat, exercise (or don’t), and live. I recall reading in one of his first books a passage that echoed what I’m talking about. Paraphrased, highly:

If this is overwhelming to you, and you’re tempted to tackle one small change then another, consider a different approach. Sometimes, mastering many small changes sequentially is actually more difficult than making a clean sweep. Sometimes, wholesale change is actually easier.

So I’m jamming my planner full. However, I want to make sure that they meet what I’ll call Four Goddess Guidelines for determining when a project is worthy of my divine attention and effort:

1. The project’s outcome can be clearly defined and somewhat qualitatively measured. In short, I’ll know when I’ve arrived at the endgame, and what the final score is.
2. The project gets my heart racing a little; it excites me to think about it. It’s something I feel passionately about.
3. It feels right to me. (In other words: trust your intuition.)
4. Finally, it’s a “want to” as opposed to a “should do” (note: not necessarily a must-do, ’cause sometimes, a goddess has to do what a goddess has to do.)

So, if you, like me, have about a gazillion improvements you want to make in your life, and you don’t want to wait, why should you have to? Give it a try. Maybe you can make those right decisions, one at a time, in sequence, and learn how to make it look effortless. Maybe we both can.

What are my gazillion improvements? Ah … that’s for another post.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I will start strong and flame out spectacularly. I dunno. I guess we’ll all find out together!